To 569 people, I suck.

Back in my school days, I always, ALWAYS, got the comment from my teachers on my school report as follows: "Slicer is a very conscientious student". Nothing much has changed. It is really important to me to do the best that I can do in any situation, particularly work and study.

So it has been particularly hurtful and galling to me in the past 10 days that I have had to continually justify myself and the decisions I made. Everybody has their 20:20 hindsight glasses on that's for sure. This is not just shooting the messenger, this is shooting the messenger down in flames, stomping on her repeatedly and pissing on her ashes.

And you know the worst thing? Even when I correct people's misconceptions and I help them understand the complexity of what happened, nobody bothers to listen. In any normal situation, you could explain what happened and why, and reasonable people would understand, then focus on the facts and what the message is saying. But at every turn I am confronted with people who have built careers on denying the facts and taking no responsibility.

Sonwe have working parties and panics about what to do to make the organization look better. And in 12 months time everyone will pat themselves on the back about what a terrific job they did and it's their innate brilliance that led to that. Whereas I know that we could do things exactly the same in 2012 and we would get a better result.

Now that I have blabbed and blubbered my way to here, I find myself at a crossroad. I want to quit, but then I think I look like I am taking the blame, that it was my fault. I want to stay, but in don't think I can handle another week of this awful awful awfulness. If i stay I will be absolutely shattered when the results come out better next year and everyone pats themselves on the back about the good job they did. If I quit, I can kiss yet another career path goodbye.

Apparently I have 43 weeks of sick leave. I am thinking right now that I would really, really just like to lie in bed for the next 43 weeks, sobbing.