Cold Turkey

Social networking makes me feel lonely and insecure. So I deactivated my Facebook account tonight.

[insert brooding music here].

I give it a day.

I heart FB but it has taken over my life and I do nothing else. My facebook friends are lovely. I need reassure myself that some of these relationships are real. That I have real value.

Struggling at the moment. Maybe this will help.





.

Not drowning, panicking

Bout day tomorrow. Yes, I am still bouting. Have decided to give myself a break and just do the best I can, which is pretty farkin good, as long as I can stop overcontemplating and overthinking it. I know, who would have thought I do that sort of thing. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So my method of dealing with my madness will include

- Not too much talking with skaters beforehand. It just feeds into my anxiety.
- lots of quiet sitting and stretching.
- writing things down
- listening to my songs and singing along

- spending inordinate amounts of time in the toilet. I am HUSK, hear me roar.

Now what?

I cannot express the words to describe how much I love Roller Derby. Skating, biffo, friendship, clan - it's all there. I live for Wednesday and Sunday night training sessions. I love 'scrimmage' - the practice games.

I can quite happily stand in front of a crowd and do public speaking, even though that is only something that has happened in the past 6 years without me going bright red. Now, I even enjoy it.

Roller Derby + Public Event = Bouting.  And bouting...well, bouting ... it destroys my soul.

I don't just get nervous. I don't just get butterflies. It goes far beyond that, and is so over the top that it affects my mood for days on end, before and after the bout. It's not something that I can just 'get over', that will disappear with time.

I played the flute for 13 years, and whilst I was a very talented player (got accepted in Music Schools and Orchestras, etc), there was not a performance that my nerves didn't compromise. It is exactly the same with derby bouting. I don't know what the parallel is between these two types of events though. I performed in School Musicals for years and had no issue, but put a skate on my foot or a flute in my hand, and it all goes to shit.

I've had hypnosis for performance anxiety and public speaking, and the public speaking thing worked it self out eventually. But clearly I am still a bit mental.

And the really crazy thing? Even just writing about it here is increasing my heart rate, making my lips dry, making me sweaty.

TOOT TOOT, all aboard the crazy train! Next stop...Reffing?

Don't forget me when you're gone

Gone, Part 1

So, that's one embryo off to School. I celebrated by getting quite tanked with a couple of new friends, also celebrating their embryos' first days of primary education.

After two weeks of school, trying to drag out of firstborn what he actually did during the day is not yielding much information.

"I looked for fossils in rocks at lunchtime with X and Y."

"We did colouring."

"Z is a naughty boy coz he never does what the teacher says."
"M wet her pants."


Which is all fascinating and I enjoy listening too, however I need FACTS. DETAILS. Like:

"Today, mother, I learnt the past participle of be."

"Oh it was hilarious when Persephone and Phillip couldn't determine the hypoteneuse - they didn't know Pythagoras' theorem."




Gone, Part 2

I have actually managed to latch onto a few people in Ballarat that for some silly reason like to be my friend. Unfortunately in the space of two years I have also managed to latch on to an equal number of people that have moved away or for other reasons are no longer with us. Found out that another one is moving away, taking with her my second embryo's BFF and a good friend of the first embryo.

Claire, Bex, Nik, Katrina - gone but not forgotten.

If anyone else that I now know in this town decides to move, I forbid it. There will be consequences. And tears. BOY there will be tears.

I'm okay, you're okay

Alright, crisis adverted, everybody can move along now. These are not the droids you are looking for.